(Tuesday, May 30th, 2006)
how can i guess what i truly feel right now? am i just feeling lonely? do i just need someone who would hold my hand tightly and kiss me goodnight? or, am i just longing for someone’s embrace to assure me of security?
Geez! all of these seem to be familiar..cyclical-it has happened before and it’s happening again!
People around me always wonder if im bitter with love..in a way there’s a truth to it. i grew doubting every man’s intention… "been there,done that"-yeah! I guess i’ll never actually find "true" love sprouting from my heart. blame it on men who masked themselves with pretensions and perfectly patched lies…it gave me the idea of "playing"..to reject the possibility of meeting an honest guy…well, that kind of fuy must be 6 feet under the ground…thats how pessimistic/cynic i am with intimate relationships. it never occured to me to get into a real commitment which i dont honestly know its real sense!!!!
maybe i’ve grown tired being cheated with. when u love someone you dont count the cost…u dont count the heartache..not even the sacrifice…
i’ve reached the age where idealism has been consciously taken away from my vocabulary. im not even sure of what i want for myself..adventure comes first and if you’re into it, commitment is a scrapped word…it doesnt exist…it wont materialize…just accept and learn to live what comes your way without prior plans or else u’ll get screwed up. well, i guess thats the reality. once it hits u u’ll get by with anything.
so when u get into a rel’p, regardless of the intensity..it doesnt hurt as the 1st heartbreak. it’s more of an immunity..everyone is vulnerable but not everyone is properly geared.
so when one passes and becomes part of my life, whether for a short or long term rel’p the pain is the same,the getting-over process is the same..so my system knows when to "eventually" change gear. there’sa no reason to get stucked with someting impossible…
everything is transitory..it happens in a wink of an eye..it disappears faster than u had it…
its just getting used to it…life is a game we play. its not about winning or losing but striving to counteract.
so whats with the long intro?
i’ve always been blunt about how i feel which is "unusual" for a filipina but thats how i maneuver my life-
i like u for all the right reasons and you’re damn true when u told me that this will eventually die down. but i dont care about its consequences..the end result…it doesnt matter. what matters is that i wont have regrets for repressing/suppressing my thoughts or feelings…no "buts" and no "ifs"…i hate wandering…
well, its just one of the many things tha we could both look back when we grow old and apart. its just cute to reminisce -that one day-the life in china we lived-short yet complicated..simple yet detrimental…
so,til next meeting..if we would still have the chance…
ciao!
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